Resignation or Defeat?

Do you ever fight with yourself? I had a three hour skirmish tonight. Regrettably, I am no knight who can eliminate a dragon with a clean thrust of the sword. When battling to prevail over the sturdy walls of my distrust, the risking side of my feels akin to a weak gazelle at a watering hole whose reptile antagonist is nearby and hungry. The cold blooded beast of mistrust has annihilated my hope for another night. I just cannot shake the belief that my walls are my only protection in a world such as this.

Gravestone Impression: “Dedicated to the Unknown”

My first philosophy class unfolded unerringly as I hoped. I had a fixed expression of ecstasy at the beautiful disarray of fervent arguing ensuing around me. The professor brilliantly presented unapologetic questions and to the alarm of the students around me, he granted no answers. He left them confounded and openly perturbed at their own inability to come to a conclusion. I felt effortless accordance with the chaos as if the Unanswerable was where I belonged. The unknown is purely the agreement of my nature. If my all questions could be answered, I would stop inquiring and therefore cease to cultivate any thirst for understanding. Philosophy is simply that: the pursuit of wisdom. It is imperative to ascertain who we are not and what we cannot understand and not just identify who we are and what we know. I think there is more beauty to be found in our questions then in our answers. Drowning in the vastness of inquiries, is the when I feel God’s glory the most. So, step back…I’m diving into this bottomless pool. Who needs air, really? I’d rather not drown in the dry land of the explained. I will play in the torrential downpours of mystery while my classmates are parched by their angst.

Things I think to be true:
If the Unknown had a face, he would be handsome!
Tea is the thinking drink.
Exploring is the Unknown masqueraded as activity.

Wishing for this world to thaw....

“Man... cannot learn to forget, but hangs on the past: however far or fast he runs, that chain runs with him.” Friedrich Nietzsche

Being home I saw shadows of who I used to be and shadows of who I’ll always be. As I revisited the place I hoped would vanish into the forgotten, I felt as though I could only sit as stare as the memories and changeless faces replayed their place in my being. I constantly wanted to scream…”My roots never penetrated this soil!” But, I was left silent as the recollections fogged my clear protest. I felt as though winter had personified itself as my formative years and froze my progress out of the past.

I escaped from the pungent chill and flew south for the winter…

"Accepted Progression.....Curse You!"

“ Years may wrinkle the skin, but to give up interest wrinkles the soul. You are as young as your faith, as old as your doubt; as young as your self-confidence, as old as your fear; as young as your hope as old as your despair. When your heart is covered with the snows of pessimism and the ice of cynicism, then, and then only, are you grown old. And then, indeed as the ballad says, you just fade away.”
-Douglas MacArthur

Growing old terrifies me. Acquiring the natural old woman odor of stale air and lotion, looking like a sad and drained silhouette of who I once was, or even having to put more than typical effort to make it up a set of stairs does not worry me. What fills me with alarm is the complacency that seems to overrun the average mentality with age.

I find strange fulfillment in waking up in a new place. If I could, I would open my eyelids to a new surrounding each day. Will the time come when I find comfort in awaking in the same room?

Watching movies makes me feel discontent because I spent over an hour of my life viewing an individual live instead of living myself. Will I one day watch Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune religiously as I eat a microwave dinner on my lazy chair?

I anticipate the challenge of new thoughts and eagerly welcome the questions of existence. Will I find horrid rest in those mysteries?

I see the woods as the atmosphere for soundless awakening. Will I one day enjoy the progression of repetitiveness?

I say to Life, “Bring on the careworn skin that wilts into folds from the years of joyous endeavors and the forgetfulness that comes because there are too many grand recollections that have collected in the memory bank of the mind to retain them all!”

But to the day where mystery, newness, fervor, challenge, and restlessness die, I say, “I’d rather die a thousand deaths than live one moment in the disintegration of youthful aspiration.”

I admire the individuals who arrive in their grave untouched by complacency and likely never to be phased by its existence.

There are just to many scenarios to analyze....

I realized today that I think…way too much. My thought process alone on creating this blog was pervaded with my analytical addiction. It went something like this:

Huh…this whole blogger system is pretty cool. Should I create one? My friends have not only intriguing things to ramble about but their ramblings are far from pointless…in fact..they are clever. I don’t think that I would have anything of purpose to put out into the cyber world. I won’t make one. But, there is something about putting thoughts out into the void that beguiles me to try. I want to know what the void will do with them. Hmmm….but, I tried the whole blogging thing in middle school. I found my old xanga site a few days ago and grimaced at each of my entries. I was weird. Deleting my previous site didn’t prove successful since I couldn’t figure out the system…drat….I don’t like my 14 year old reflections floating in the void. Creating something that I will stumble upon years later that will only end with my self-disapproval is not wise. Maybe I don’t want to see what the void will do with my thoughts. Writing potentially to an unknown population…seems self interested….I don’t even like my friends reading anything I write…I don’t like rereading what I write. I erase my essays from my hard drive as soon as they’re graded….this blogging thing won’t end well. Man, I’m such a cynic. I will create a blog simply to challenge my disparaging contemplations. But, what is the………

I’ve decided to stop overanalyzing there.

So here you go Void….